St. Bernardus Abt 12

I imagine this is St. Bernardus. Coyly wagging his finger at
you for never having indulged in this heavenly vice. 

I’m no expert in matters of the palette. I can only tell you what I like. But people seem to trust me on such decisions as which beer to choose with an almost disturbing regularity. Personally, I’m always partial to Belgian Strongs, Dubbels, Trippels, and Quadrupels. Their fruity sweetness is masked by a subtle punch in the mouth, later followed by a knee to the liver, and completed by a loosening of both tongue and appendage. Upon arising the next morning after a serious night, your head should feel like it is between a toilet seat and the bowl, under the pressure of a man as gluttonous as he is pungent.

It is with this in mind that I review the St Bernardus Abt 12. If this is on the drafts menu at your chosen watering hole, order it. Drink it. Love it. A friend described it to me as, “The closest you can get to being stoned by way of drink.” Honestly, I’m inclined to agree.

This is a quadrupel and clocks in at 10% ABV, and is St Bernardus best offering. St Bernardus is a brewery of wide renown, and near unparalleled quality. Unfortunately it doesn’t fall under the qualification of authentic “Trappist”, but it’s close enough. A brewery must meet several legal metrics to obtain the Trappist label, as Trappist brewers make beer only to support themselves and their monastery. 

St Bernardus stopped brewing with the actual Trappist Monastery Westvleteren in 1992, after their contract expired. And by God, those monks at Westvleteren do a devlishly good job of it. Westvleteren brews a Westvleteren 12 that is referred to by many as the best beer in the world, and its commercial counterpart is the St Bernardus ABT 12. Reviewed here at my discretion for your pleasure.

The color is dark, with a thick and light colored head that will maintain its thickness until you finish. For the amateur beer drinker, this will seem similar to a Guiness in appearance and consistency, but perhaps a tad lighter and several dozen tads stronger. The smell is not overpowering, but it is sweet. If you spend a night drinking these or you (tragically) spill some on yourself, it won't be a typical stale beer smell following you around for the night and may actually be a blessing in disguise if you have forgotten to bathe.

Your first taste will be an interesting combination of riding on the back of a hippogriff over the forbidden forest and making love for the first time. The heavy alcohol content will be the first taste that comes to mind, but it will be one masked by dried fruit and supple goodness and warmth. It is strong and you feel the kick, but it is not a painful kick. It's mostly your taste buds coming alive after years of dormancy and abuse. The fruit tastes are dominated by plum, but I'm honestly not enough of a master to continue describing the myriad tastes and colors and fantasmic wonderment that will be flowing from your mouth to your brain. As you continue, your heart will swell and tears may or may not fill your eyes. Your last sip will be simultaneously the best and worst moment of your life, as you sit with your hands outstretched requesting another. And another. And another.

I have met people that enjoyed the ABT 12, but that thought it was perhaps too strong. I call these people sorry excuses for humanity. Again, order this. Drink this. Love this.